If I’m Not Talking, I’m Thinking

Until a couple of years ago, I would never have called myself an introvert. I, like many people, confused it with shy (which I’m not, except for a small amount of discomfort with small talk) and quiet (my mom would laugh at the notion).

It wasn’t until I got into the workforce and found myself having to communicate with an extroverted boss that I learned the difference.

Verbally, I’m an open book. I’ll tell you anything (without liberal limits) you want to know about me. I feel a lot – but apparently that doesn’t always show up on face as much as in my words and thoughts. This served me well when I worked with rude people in customer services jobs I had before my journalism career – and in any situation where a poker face is required. But my boss kept saying I didn’t have a sense of urgency, and I didn’t understand how she could possibly say that when I felt all that urgency right in the pit of my stomach. I recently learned from Jennifer Kahnweiler, author of The Introverted Leader, that high anxiety and stress levels are very common among introverts, maybe because no one knows and assumes we’ve got it all under control and don’t’ need help. People have always called my face animated. Our publisher once told me I looked like a cartoon character when I was thinking hard, because my face was so expressive. But apparently my emotions and facial expressions don’t always match up, especially in a professional setting.

My extroverted manager couldn’t understand why I didn’t seem excited or enthusiastic about ideas that had her out of her chair. But I smiled and, after I thought about it for a moment, said,” I love that” in an elevated pitch. I felt excited, but more so, I was busy thinking about the idea, analyzing how to make it work, how to make it better, where it might cause trouble, what pitfalls we might run into – before I responded. I was in my head for a minute. But having interviewed a million career experts, I know how important showing enthusiasm is. I just didn’t realize mine wasn’t coming across.

I can sense the same frustration coming from my business coach sometimes. She’s just shared some big idea or concept with me and then pauses for my response. I’m silent until she says, “Taylor, you still there?” I recognize this is how conversation goes, question and answer, especially since I love to ask questions. But when I’m supposed to respond thoughtfully and intelligently to something, I need to hammer it out in my head before I open my mouth. But I send her a 1,500-word e-mail later about it. As soon as I finish a really great book or movie, I can’t talk about it for a few minutes. I have to process it first. In college English classes, if I wanted to add some different perspective to the conversation, I was quiet for a long time while I worked it out in my head. Then I wrote down notes to refer to before I raised my hand. I’m not slow. I’m thorough – at least when I have that luxury.

Call it slow to act, but then again, don’t we need detail people too – thinkers, processors, analyzers. Extroverted tendencies tend to be the ones most noticed and attributed to success. But there’s value in both halves of the population. Check out our LPB on introverts at work to read more about the more-subtle value introverts bring to the table.

Still, I try to put forth some effort to compromise and meet extroverts halfway – to show more excitement when I am, in fact, enthusiastic about something. I think my boss and coach get me now. At least I hope so. If I’m not talking, I’m not disinterested, complacent or disconnected from the conversation. I’m just thinking.

If you’re an empathetic introvert, or an extrovert frustrated by us, check out our LPB with Kahnweiler for ways to bridge the communication gap.