Learning from difficult people

Most of us meet or have people in our lives that we just don't get along with – or even can't stand to have around. These people seem like huge obstacles to our happiness. I've found myself thinking things like, "What is his problem?" Or, "Doesn't she get how rude she is?" Or, some thoughts that are too harsh to share. Sometimes these people are truly harmful to me and need to be avoided. Others may be my own personal gurus.

Often the people I have the most difficulty are my next teachers. They have something to show me that I need to learn. If I avoid these people they show up again and again until I get that I have to learn to accept them. Learning to accept them means I have to change something within myself.

For example, someone who moves slowly may be the person who teaches me patience. I was exposed to several of these "patience" teachers for years – until I finally learned to relax, breathe and even talk to them. Sometimes I still need reminder teachers, such as the slow driver in front of me this morning.

Other people are irritating because they exhibit a behavior that I don't like in myself. I still squirm when I meet demanding people. I know I'm not like them. OK. I'm just like them in some ways. There I said it, Mom.

Here are 4 steps that you can use to work with difficult people in your life:

1.     Determine if the person is a teacher or “trash” (not needed in your life). Avoid the trash and honor the teacher.

2.     Look at what bothers you about the person and see if you have some similar characteristics that you are not happy about within you. Learn to accept them in yourself and the other person won't bother you.

3.     Honor your judgment. The assessment of the behavior may be accurate. Next, release the criticism of the behavior and see the person objectively. Once you do this you'll be able to have compassion and work with him from another level of understanding. You'll then be able to communicate with him better and work with him.

Sometimes I'm surrounded by people I love and enjoy. At other times I'm forced to spend time with someone who irritates me terribly. When I meet this person I internally thank him for the lesson I'm about to learn.

I am a person who has learned this from being a psych nurse for years and I thank you for putting it in words of wisdom.  I have found in my healing journey, that it is easier to deal with difficult people in this way, who are not your family (sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers).  Family presents difficult struggles, obligatory, social, and cultural things, that keep us in abusive situations and patterns, sometimes.  If we choose to take ourselves out of a difficult family situation so healing can take place or have to deal with healing parts of ourselves like the "Mom in us or the "Dad in us", it can be quite the challenge.  Could you shed some wisdom on this.

Thanks for your comment and insight! As a past RN and Nurse Midwife I understand your challenges with clients. As a family member I empathisize with your struggle, as well. I can't say that I've mastered the family conundrum. In fact, I believe that family members are often our ongoing greatest teachers. Sometimes being away from them for awhile is necessary, as well. Here are lessons I've learned about dealing with family members:

1. We are obviously genetically linked with family members, having most of the same genes. That's big. That means that on many levels we have a tremendous amount in common. We may not behave exactly the same way (or even close), but we are essentially similar. It helps to examine what the similarities are at a base level, so that we can work with them.

For instance, I come from a very intense family, where everyone wants to be right. Ouch. That can be challenging for a person like me, who hates to argue. I had to look at why I argue. Because I want to be right... like them. When I finally realized this I could step back and be objective. How important is being "right" to me? In most instances it's irrelevant who is right. When I step back I can SEE the other person more clearly. I then have the power to act instead of react and can choose how I respond or not.

The characteristics that bother us the most about family members (and others) are often the characteristics that we share. How can you tell if you share it? When the family member says or does something to you that makes you angry, you probably are seeing a mirror on some level. Look at yourself closely and work on accepting that part of yourself.

2. Boundaries tend to fall apart in many families. We get in each other's face and space. Somehow the rules of outside decorum don't apply and we invade each other. Maintain your boundaries with your family. Know what you need and accept, and don't get pushed around.

For example, members of my family tend to be critical of each other. I know from introspection that I have a tendency to be critical of others and especially of myself. I accept that in myself and can mitigate some of my tendencies. I decided to stop criticizing myself (sometimes works, sometimes doesn't) and also decided that I wouldn't accept unsolicited criticism from others. I had to tell my family members that I could no longer be around them if they were critical of me. That meant being away from one or two of then for awhile, until they agreed to accept my boundaries.

I can't say they don't criticize me (or me them), but they are much better about it. If they aren't I don't put up with it and walk away, and I no longer take it personally. I've learned a lot from being around family. I can often feel compassion for them, and even amusement. Other times, I'm still learning.

The key is, know what you need. Let others know and kindly enforce your boundaries.

3. Don't expect to get along. If it happens, great. If not, accept it. For most families there's going to be friction. If you accept this going in and see it as an opportunity to grow you may get a lot out of the interaction. At first you may trybeing with them for shorter periods. Increase the time when you feel ready.

Also, plan on taking off – time alone – when you're with them for longer periods. You'll need time to process and recoop your energy from all the effort you put into personal growth. You'll find that over time you'll begin to change and grow – to behave better and maybe appreciate them more. You may even find you love yourself and your family members more.

4. All of the above applies to family situations where the members aren't abusive (emotionally or physically), rude or taking advantage of others. If this is the case, stay away until you know you're safe.

5. We tend to think of our families as the most important part of our world. They can be an extremely important role. However, they are only a part of your life. Focus time on your friendships with others and with your mate or partner, and appreciate the life outside of family.

I hope this answers your question. I know how challenging it can be to be around or to get along with your family. I don't claim to be an expert on this. I'm still learning. I guess I will be as long as I have family.